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May 7, 2017

The Loop Part 2
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what is real?

Alternate realities.

He was laying in this hospital bed pondering, thinking about what was going on. He vaguely remembered his life, was it a dream maybe? The botanic garden, the colors, sunshine, flowers. Was it just a dream? What is our life, our reality? Reality? What is that-our reality? Who knows. To him, now, it all seemed not that real, maybe a product of his wishful imagination.

He was laying in this room and that was his reality now-this little world-the 4 walls, his bed surrounded by some blinking clicking stuff, his wife…

Maybe this is just a bad dream and he will wake up at home, in his bed, or on the couch just dreaming. Bright day outside, wife working in the garden, birds singing, Luke, his dog, sleeping and probably dreaming of being young and chasing rabbits.

He liked this thought. He was scared of this dark room, of being sick, of not knowing whether he was awake or dreaming.

What is wrong about dreaming, being deep inside your mind, not seeing all this scary stuff?

He glanced at the TV -some show that he did not know, nor cared to know. Why is it in black and white? Something wrong with his eyes? Or the stupid TV is broken?

He looked around with more attention. The things around him- they looked different, not the way he remembered from last time. Was it in his dream or was it real last time in this room? This room? He wasn’t sure anymore. He wasn’t sure of his memory.

Fear crept in. What is wrong with his head? He decided to try to sleep. It will be better in the morning, all will clear up.

On and off he drifted to sleep-lucid dreams, hearing noises, nurse coming and doing something with him and equipment. Eventually, finally, it was getting lighter outside. He could see buildings, cars moving in silence. Something strange about these buildings, the cars. What was it, he tried to analyze, what is bothering him about this picture?

He now could see the room. Again, something was not quite right. What was it? Colors or the lack of colors?

The picture on TV was still black and white-maybe the TV was broken. But other stuff-people, voices, even the air felt strange. Holy shit, I must be losing my mind he panicked.

His wife woke up, moved around, turned to him.

It was her all right. Same women he loved. And yet… He could not quite put his finger on the strangeness, some nuances.

Suddenly he felt lost. He remembered being lost in his dreams, many times. Strange and desperate feeling when you recognize the place – kind of – but at the same time you are lost, have no idea where you are. In his dreams, he was waiting for his wife to find him. But now, here she was and yet he felt lost.

Maybe because of this anxiety, maybe medications, but his mind was working feverishly building explanations. Of course, the first and easiest one was that he was losing it, his mind, his touch with the real world.

Real world-what is it?

There are many theories about our reality, our universe. Multiverse, infinite number of realities. The theory that everything that happened, or could happen is already there and one’s every choice moves you to a certain reality. Realities are constantly crossing – meeting and separating again. That is why the butterfly effect is negligible between realities.

But, he thought, maybe some extreme circumstances cause not a smooth transition but a jump between realities, creating a ripple, a detectable jump.

Maybe his cardiac arrest caused the jump and he is able to detect it.

One thing he knew-no matter what he said trying to describe his feelings, his observations, no one would take it seriously. Most likely he would get more medications.

Do some of these people see anything different, strange about him? If yes, do they just dismiss it as not real? Are they wondering about it or blaming their imagination for this “nonsense”?

He was getting better. Strong enough to walk with a nurse. He talked to the nurses during these walks and noticed some strange unfamiliar words and expressions. He kept this to himself. They noticed it too in me, he was sure of this but he knew the nurses would attribute it to him being an immigrant or not well yet.

In a way, it has been exciting to imagine or maybe to know that he actually travels between realities. An adventure. I don’t care if this is happening just in my head. For him it was real, it was his secret, even from his wife.

The nurse looked at this strange patient, still in a coma. He was delivered to the E.R. after cardiac arrest and doctors managed to revive him and he has been improving.

His breath was deep and even. All vital signs were decent. And yet, he was still in coma.

If there are an infinite number of possible realities, he thought, then I died in some of them. That was an unsettling idea. How would this jumping between realities work? You are sick and this is a stupid idea, he decided, you shouldn’t think about it anymore.

But he couldn’t stop thinking about it. Are these realities subjective and exist for each person? If I die in one reality does that mean this reality ceases to exist?

The nurse could not understand what is happening to this patient and why.

His breathing was getting shallow, vital signs were slowing down. He was dying peacefully, in deep sleep.

The nurse called the doctor. They looked at each other. The doctor was at loss. There was no reason for this. And yet, they are losing this patient.

Finally, he was strong enough and was released from the hospital. He was sick of this place though he could not complain about the service that had been excellent.

He hoped that once he was home and back to normal, all these strange things would go away. All this nuanced strangeness will disappear. And that these dreams mixed with reality, all unfamiliar and yet very familiar – will not be so scary and strange anymore.

Little by little, life returned to normal at home. He slept better, strange dreams that were so real almost disappeared. He enjoyed his wife’s company, kids and grand kids.

And yet, sometimes these strange thoughts, weird feelings would come back and he felt strangely lost. He would push this strangeness away.

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